last night I talked in MSN to my friend joseph. he mentioned about depression and his relationship with his mom. we discussed the rejection from our family and realized lots of babies are not welcomed in their family.Some parents don't want to have one more bady. Some don't want a girl. Some didn't expect to have one at that time. Some from underground affair.
When I told to Joseph, my dad didn't want a girl. He asked me, you have brothers, right? Yes, I have two. So why? Two boys are enough for my dad. a girl? raising someone's wife, what for? That's the meaning of a girl for my dad: spending money, without benefit.
And my mom told my dad, she believed this one would be a girl. She wanted to have a girl. My mom fought for her gender, and my right to live. I thank God for saving me through my mom. But honestly speaking, I think the baby girl died young.
For my dad, a real girl existed only for a short time. Than I was recognized to be a helper, a person contributing to my family. Unless he would treat me like "why don't you just disappear immediately"? For my mom, she didn't know what a real girl is either. The baby girl inside her died young also. Before last night discussion I didn't understand my mom. I feel she is childish and unreasonable some time. Now I know why. We both want to go back to our young age and be a real baby girl.
Where is the real me? I need to look for her.
