sophie's history on 2003 Nov.

起來，我們走吧

2003年過了約有五分之四，我仍然在原來的教會服事，不過我的屬靈生命卻猶如在坐雲霄飛車一般，忽高忽低；又或許是像搭乘捷運，有時進入隧道，有時重見天日。
可能有些人收到了我從隧道中發出的微弱求救訊號，也許有人沒有，不過感謝神，這一切的經歷都將使我更認識祂的信實。

搬家
獨自在內湖居住是件奢侈而充滿理想性的事，我期待透過這個公寓可以開始一些團契和小組，也希望公寓面前的西湖國中可以被主得著。這兩個理想都曾經加上一些努力，不過並沒有被很理想地實現出來。不僅如此，我也開始發現自己由於私下的生活中沒有談話和相處的對象，容易變得自我、孤單，習慣不被需要也無法需要別人。結果就是長時間開著電視，或是透過電腦網路與人相交，並不是我所期望的。所以幾個月前，我決定不再讓自己繼續獨居下去，不過那時候還不明白怎樣改變這個局面。
六七月天氣變化時節，老爸的身體有較大的變化，出入急診室兩次，在醫生告知父親已進入癌症末期的情況後，有較多的時間陪伴父母，也看到母親的軟弱。就這樣，我開始思想幾個月之後搬回家住，正好教會有對年輕人明年初結婚，未到期的租約或許可以讓他們接續下去…。結果經過與房東和這對新人的溝通，變成提前解約，房東先自行使用這個房子兩個月，再與這對新人另立新約。
就這樣，有點匆忙地搬回了台北父母的家，也結束了25個月不甚成功的獨居生活。

再次計畫搬家
由這次搬家讓我再一次經歷到神的保守以及家人的愛，但也懼怕收拾整理的繁瑣。所以當教會朋友問起何時考慮搬回內湖，我的回答是，除非結婚否則不想再搬家了。
不過，早在還沒打算搬家之前，有個機會與國際事工差會（SIM）東亞區主任見面，當時心中隱隱約約明白自己期待已久的宣教之路即將展開，只不過怎麼也沒想到這個出於神的信號會是在自己靈命低潮，服事感到孤單挫折，對家人又十分不捨的時候來到。我捨得嗎？以我的狀況我能站立得住嗎？我真要在覺得教會還很軟弱的時候離開嗎？
我為此延遲了申請加入差會的動作，繼續禱告等候，直到神帶領我出了隧道，撥開迷霧，看見祂在教會的作為和我身上的重建。在這段期間許多朋友及家人成為我的天使，神也藉著這樣的曲折讓我明白祂自有運行的節奏，我常以為祂沒有我快，但神要真快起來可是沒人追得上的。
從我搬回台北之後，神在我們教會開始做許多事，我看到很多機會為我們打開，很多改變出現，弟兄姊妹的回應很令人感動…知道在內湖堂經歷更新的特殊時刻自己有機會與這個教會同在，實在感到榮幸和興奮。
於此同時，也相信「我們必歡歡喜喜而出來，平平安安蒙引導」。我即將申請加入差會，可是我的感動是有同伴的。如果這同伴是配偶，那還要等多久呢？而且還有很多變數。又，這同伴會不會是一同奉差遣的同工，或是宣教工場才學習配搭的同工呢？『亞伯拉罕順從神離開家鄉的時候，還不知道目的地在哪裡』，所以懷抱著許多不確定，似乎是宣教士必學的功課。請為我禱告，使我能跟隨聖靈的帶領，也記念我教會和家庭的需要。

謝謝您的關心與記念
願您更多經歷神的美善與豐富

When the year of 2003 has past nearly four fifth, I’m still a pastor here in CAMA Neihu church. But in this year my spiritual life is like the roller coaster, sometimes up and sometimes down; or like taking Mass Transit Railway, sometimes dark in the tunnel, sometimes bright and hopeful.
Maybe some of you had gotten my weak SOS signal when I was in the tunnel, maybe not. Anyway, thank God for all these had been keeping me knowing His faithfulness.

Move
It’s a luxury and ideal idea to live alone in Neihu. I expected to hold some fellowships or small groups in the apartment, and made the junior high school in front of the apartment be reached by the power of the Gospel. I did try to realize the two thoughts but the results weren’t satisfied. By the way, since I didn’t have company to talk to when I came home, I became lonely and self-centered. I got used of being alone, not be needed. Then I used to keep the TV machine opened, or communicated through internet. I didn’t expect such a life style. So several months ago, I made a decision to end the situation. Though in fact I didn’t know how to at that moment.
Dad’s health got worse when the weather turning hot. On late June he went to ER twice and the doctor said his cancer had expanded. I saw the need and weakness of my parents, and that made me think of moving back to stay with them. After communicating with my landlord, for some other reasons they wanted me to move out within one month.
So, I move back to my parents’ home and end the unsuccessful twenty-five months living-alone life.

Plan to move again
Through my moving back I realize God’s mercy and wisdom, and the love and support from my parents. But I really don’t like to pack and unpack all the stuffs. So when church members ask me when I’ll move back to Neihu, I told them I wish I don’t need to move unless I’ll get married.
But before I confirmed to move back, I saw Andrew Ng the SIM East Asia director. After the conversation I seemed to know the time to leave is near. Graduated from seminary for 5 years, I keep expecting the signal to become a missionary. But it’s hard to imagine God did choose the moment to ask me go when I was down, felt lonely and frustrated, and my church and family were still in need. Can I leave them now? Can I survive in such a situation?
For so many questions I delayed to apply a mission agency and ask for clear direction. Maybe that’s why God brought me out of the tunnel so quickly and made me understand His work in me and in our church. By the help of many angels beside me, I realize God’s pace in every situation. Usually I think God is slower than me, but He can be fast more than our expectation.
That’s the situation in CAMA Neihu church. I saw many chances opened for our church, many changes happened, God’s presence in our congregation, the response of our church members…. Knowing that I’ll have the chance to experience the turning moment of Neihu church made me feel privileged and excited.
At the same time, I do believe “you (pl.) will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.” I’ll apply to join SIM as my mission agency, but I feel I’ll have company. What’s the company mean? A soul mate or a co-worker? How can it be? Like Abraham who didn’t know where to stay when he left his hometown, I’ll keep in uncertainty and learn to follow God’s guide. Please pray for me to recognize the sound from Holy Spirit and do what He asks me.

Thanks for your concern and memorizing.
May you experience God’s beauty and abundance more and more.