to go or not to go... On 2004 Feb.

再等三章

誠實又喜歡昭告天下的人，改變主意了。在上一封信中我說到自己即將預備加入差會，但之後發生的許多不容易解釋的改變，所以照樣要再次昭告天下。還好，約翰在約翰福音中寫了一句「起來，我們走吧」之後，又等了三章才說到耶穌真的走了。所以，我就用這個例子給自己找個改變主意的理由吧！

承認自己的軟弱
我一直以為基督徒該對神指示的一切說「是」。但這其中有一些困難，像是我們如果誤解了神的心意怎麼辦（自己之前常犯這個毛病），或是為了這個「應該」而忽略了自己真實的感覺和軟弱。再說，這種有點律法意味的觀念比較多是出於權柄和義務的關係，而不是基於愛。當我以為自己該申請差會預備出發的時候，我軟弱了。（其實這算是我的第二次軟弱，在第一次軟弱中我憑信心相信父母的身體和信仰可以交托給主。）我開始想念在台北的感覺，擔心自己無法處理好孤單的單身生活和工作上的沮喪。我察覺到自己不大對勁，於是休假幾天到一處禱告山去退修，希望先重整自己與神的關係和生活秩序，並且思想服事對我的意義。
在這當中我明白了自己對神並不是毫無保留的順服，包括在感情上和理性上。感謝神因為祂比我自己還認識我，而在這次決定的變更中祂教我認清自己的限制。我承認自己的軟弱，也決定暫緩申請差會，直到自己在這件事上得到更明確的指引並且有信心去回應為止。所以目前我所預備的是在宣道會內湖堂繼續三年的事奉。

地上的成功不等於天上的成功
學習接納自己軟弱之後的改變就是我不能再用「應該」要求別人。我明白自己與他人都同樣需要神的恩典，而非審判。無人可以在審判時站立得住。這使我比以前容易珍惜身邊的人，包括家人，朋友和同工。我常習慣性的要求他們，又對他們失望，但他們卻給予我極大的支持和接納。以往我常忽視自己的感覺，我對自己和他人常是嚴厲的，使得我無法體會恩典和恩慈，如今我較常感到蒙恩。神透過這段日子教導我恩典和謙卑，並要我以此作為奔行天路的保護和避難所。
如今我看自己服事的教會是好而蒙福的。透過信心的眼睛我知道神會以祂的方式在這個教會做奇妙的事，教會成長的快慢不在我的手裡。我不需要「為」神做任何事，事實上我也沒有這個能力。想法的改變使得我的擔子變得輕省，我知道自己一點也不行，而神也不需要我行，因為祂是行的。我只需要緊緊跟隨祂，與祂連結。這樣的體認真是好！地上的成功不等於天上的成功。

父親的決志
父親的淋巴癌在去年暑假三次入院之後就加劇，12月開始，腋下的腫瘤已經漲大到像顆300元的大蘋果，右手也腫痛無法活動。這其間感謝許多海內外的肢體和牧者為父親禱告，他也曾樂意讀聖經，並且自己開聲禱告求醫治，但之後沒有立即的神蹟發生，就似乎又走回倚靠自己和醫藥的老路上。
農曆年前後連續12天到醫院去作放射線治療，剛開始腫瘤的確消了一點，但血液的品質也大幅下降，等血液補充得差不多時，腫瘤又猛烈起來。我眼看父親的身體已經衰殘，靈魂卻仍在沈睡，實在憂心，也把自己預見的危機誠實的寫出來，並持續為父親禱告。感謝神，今早與父親分享詩篇91篇，並談到人需要透過神明白自己生命的意義，使人生不只是責任，不滿足和追求得著虛幻的滿足。我感到神的同在和父親的謙卑，於是領他作了決志禱告，我說一句他跟著說一句。當禱告完時，我激動的流下淚來，我心裡明白這其中包含多少禱告的代價，也確知父親的名字已經被記在生命冊上。感謝神，祂是垂聽禱告的上帝！也感謝您的關心和代禱，主必記念。

Wait Three More Chapters

Several months have passed since the last newsletter, in which I shared that I was preparing for the mission field. But since then, many things have happened and there have been many changes, which are not easy to explain. That’s why I have hesitated to write another newsletter. But something has happened in my life that is similar to what happened in the Gospel of John chapter 14:31. Jesus said “Come now, let us leave.” But He did not leave until chapter 18. I’m using this example to “explain” why I have decided not to do missions for the time being.

Admit my weaknesses
For a long time I had the concept that Christians needed to always say “yes” to God, no matter what. But the problem with this concept is that we are liable to misunderstand God’s calling or instructions, or neglect our real feelings and weaknesses. Furthermore, this concept does not seem to be based on love, but instead on authority and obligation. During the time that I thought I should apply to a mission agency and prepare to be a missionary, I started to struggle with problems such as homesickness and loneliness. As a result, I decided to take several days off and hide myself in a quiet place where I could admit my weaknesses and talk to God about my problems.
I realized I couldn’t say “yes” to missions at this time because I was not ready. Praise God because He knows me more than I know myself. And He wishes to show me my limitations instead of wanting me to do something or be someone for Him. So I decided to put off applying to SIM for the time being. Instead, I’m preparing for three more years of ministry with CMA-Neihu church.

Earthly Success Is Not the Same as Heavenly Success
After that I began to accept myself as an ordinary person. I reminded myself not to push others and myself for some kind of standard, or for “what should be”. Then I was able to realize that we all need God’s grace instead of judgment. No one can face judgment and remain standing. Now it’s easier to appreciate people who aren’t like me. And I realize I have received so much support and acceptance from people I used to judge. When I neglected my feelings, I could not experience grace and kindness, now I am more knowledgeable in those areas and feel blessed. I know the importance of the lesson God has taught me about grace and humility, and I need to keep it as my protection and shelter during my entire Christian life.
Now if you ask about the situation in the church where I serve, I can say it is good and blessed. Through the eyes of faith I know God will do amazing things in His way. And the church will grow in His time, not mine. I don’t need to do anything FOR God and indeed I can’t. This realization has lightened my load. How wonderful it is to know I’m not strong at all and I don’t need to be. The Holy One is strong and I just need to connect with Him. Earthly success is not the same as heavenly success. .

My Dad has accepted the Lord!
Last summer Dad went to the hospital three times for his lymph cancer treatment. After that his tumors expanded rapidly. Many brothers, sisters and pastors, both here and overseas, prayed consistently for him. At one point he enjoyed reading the Bible, and even prayed by himself for his illness to be cured. But because the prayer wasn’t answered in the way that he wished, he gave up asking for God’s help and was in a low mood.
In January he went to the hospital for twelve days of radiation treatment. At first, his tumors started to shrink, but at the same time, his blood tests were not good. Then when his blood was replenished, his tumors grew rapidly also. I could see that Dad’s body was getting worse, but his spirit was still asleep. That made me worried. I wrote to him, honestly sharing my concerns for him, and kept praying for him. Praise God, this morning I shared Psalm 91 with him and said that human beings need to understand the meaning of life through God’s eyes. I told him that life is not about responsibility, dissatisfaction, and pursuing empty satisfaction. Then I sensed God’s presence and Dad’s humility. I asked Dad to pray with me, sentence by sentence. Then he asked Jesus to forgive his sins and to live in him. After he finished praying, I was moved and full of tears. I realized this moment had cost many hours and many peoples’ prayers, and my dad’s name had been written on the Book of Life. Praise God, who listens to our prayers! And thank you all very much for your concern and intercession.

Thanks for your concern and prayers.
May you experience God’s beauty and abundance more and more.